I can’t describe how my week has been, because it felt like it just flew by. As if I just skipped a week. It was maybe the most ordinary week I’ve had in a long time. With a decent balance of activities, work and doing nothing. But looking back on it, I still wish I had been more productive.

I’ve found myself back into habits I wish I could have left behind already. Mainly jumping back into bed whenever I have nothing to do, which is most of the time. I imagine seeing myself doing nothing and get frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to just do one simple thing. But on the other hand, even if it did take me five times to get up and back into bed, that sixth time I finally did the laundry. I was proud of myself for doing just that one little thing, but kept thinking of all other little things I was supposed to do and didn’t.

Finally, after five days at work I could sleep in and pack my suitcase for a little getaway back to my brother’s place. Four days alone, away from home, yet again taking care of their three cats. I brought my laptop, Spanish book and a positive attitude to explore the city more. What more could I need?

This weeks appointment was lighthearted, positive. Although I hadn’t been able to ask people around me why they are grateful to have me around. By the end of the appointment, they could name numerous positive things I said about myself. Ofcourse, they had to repeat them to me because I failed to remember them. I have difficulty believing positive things said about me, I fail to save them in my mind. Rather, it is full of negative thoughts and beliefs based on past experiences.

This week’s appointment was very confronting. We talked about my past. First, I had to write down the thoughts that have been occupying my mind, among others: ‘I often have the feeling I have to adapt to others because I am not fun or good enough.’ and ‘Is it wrong to doubt my feeling for my boyfriend sometimes?’. Thoughts I have repeated in my head a thousend times, I have whispered to myself and even wrote down before. She then wanted me to read them to her, something about saying those words aloud, things I never wanted to truly admit to both myself and others, was very confronting.

May holiday! The weather is gorgeous and I start my week at my brother’s. We spent all of sunday together just eating, play games and watching a new series. The next day he had to get back to work and I had the apartment to myself, well.. With three cats. I did absolutely nothing that day but I felt at ease. Sure, I had my worries like always, but I could enjoy doing nothing without feeling useless. I laid on the floor in the sun with the cats. After dinner I got the train back home and my friend picked me up for gamenight. I came home late that night and when I woke up the next morning it felt like I had been dreaming the entire weekend.

Again, I started my week off at the psychologist. The hour went by so quick and by the end we concluded that I have never put myself first. I’ve felt like I should adapt to other’s needs and expectations of me, and I’ve shoved my own needs aside. When I wasn’t able to be who someone else needed me to be, I would shut down and isolate myself. I wouldn’t tell them what I needed, I wouldn’t express my boundaries. I’ve always allowed my boundaries to be crossed, not knowing how to put my foot down.

I talked with my boyfriend about continuing our relationship, and I had a fun weekend to follow up. I was motivated to change, and monday morning I woke up bright and early to see my psychologist. They had made a plan on how to help me get back on my own two feet, they consulted me and decided my classification: Depression.

It has been nearly two months since I dropped out of college and sought help. I moved back home to be in the comfort of my own home and spend more time with friends. I started this blog, I like writing and sharing my experiences. It is a way for me to reminisce my travels, a nice pastime and document my ongoing journey, something I can look back on, and be proud of myself. I know I am not alone in how I feel, so I hope this blog finds someone who needs to not feel alone, and may it comfort them.

I was at my brother’s for a couple days. I had a fever, I stayed home and looked for ways to improve my marketing. It was when I was talking with a girl who was also in the field, when my brother overheard me explaining that I was unhappy studying and wanted to leave, I needed a change. We then sat down and he kept saying that what I was doing then wasn’t the right thing, wasn’t the path for me. And he was right, I am not a marketer, I don’t like making content for the sake of selling. He then dove deeper, he knew how to describe how I was feeling, because he’s familiar with it. Although I had been aware of how I was feeling for a long time already, hearing it from him opened my eyes to how much I need help.

I was happy to be home again and excited to give studying a try. I had found a program that seemed perfect for me, in line with my previous travels and my future dream of opening a hostel, Tourism Management. I looked forward to being a student, make friends and build my life in a new city. So, after enjoying summer with friends and family, I moved two hours away from home to start my student life.

After three weeks our time in Ecuador had come to an end, and we were back in Santa Marta. My best friend’s guy had waited for us at the airport and fixed a taxi to drive us to Palomino. They dropped me off at the hostel, and they went to the nearest town where my best friend would stay with him and his family. This time around we got the real local experience. I had booked an apartment on AirBnb and could move there a couple days later.

I met up with my best friend in Cartagena to catch our flight to Quito. We had three weeks planned in Ecuador with a good friend of hers she had met on another trip. The reunion in Quito the next day was so sweet, despite the incrediby bad weather. It was raining cats and dogs, so just a quick walk around the block was enough sightseeing for us. The rest of our day we spent at the bar of the hostel catching up, getting to know eachother and playing pool. We visited Otavalo for one day, although charmed by this small local town, we only stayed to visit the market and had quickly made plans for our next destination.

My best friend and I had one more country we really wanted to explore. We both had taken time off from March until June, and had our flight booked for our next destination, Colombia! Everyone around us was hesitant about visiting what used to be Pablo Escobar’s kingdom, but the same things were said about Mexico and they could not be more wrong. Soon our families brought us to the airport and sent us off on our last big trip before college.

I worked five more months at the plant center before I started chasing my dream of beginning my own bar/hostel. I needed experience and education for this, starting with bartending. I had seen ads all over instagram for EBS (European Bartender School), and although sceptical at first, I quickly became excited to learn. I signed up for the school in Madrid, as I had loved my last vacation there, I wanted to improve my Spanish, and my budget didn’t allow me to travel too far. I applied for a month-long course in January and a couple days after new years I hopped on a flight back to my favorite city in Europe.

To make the most of my last gap year, I had booked an interrail pass for a month. Unfortunately it was not as easy as they made it out to be. For France and Spain you had to either book well in advance and pay extra, or wait in a long queue at the trainstation. I first visited Zurich, Genoa and Nimes, each for just one night. Then I had to wait in line at the trainstation to book a ticket for noon, I waited for 5 hours!

After my trip, I had to build my life at home. I started working at another bakery in town, I thought ‘If I loved working at the old one, this one will probably will be the same right?’. I loved the old bakery because of the people I worked with, knowing everything and everyone. They trusted me to do things my way, even if it was different, I was comfortable here. I started working here as a shy girl and thanks to the amazing women here I became much more confident. The people here were generous and fun.

I had rediscovered myself in Mexico. I found my spark again and I was excited to learn what awaits me back home. But before I could embrace my family and friends again, I had my return flight booked for Rome, and planned to spend two more weeks with Nico.

My first trip beyond the European borders. I was in desperate need of some sun, beach, tequila and tacos, and ofcourse spending time with my best friend again. Who was waiting for me at our accomodation in Puerto Escondido. Here we spent our days baking in the sun and our nights partying. And after a week we had loosely planned our trip through the south of Mexico, making our way from Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca, ciudad del Carmen, Campeche, Calakmul, Merida, Isla Holbox, Cancun, Isla Mujeres, Tulum and Bacalar.

After briefly visiting Corfu (again) and Budapest, I hopped on a plane to Rome to visit another friend I had made in Corfu, let’s call him Nico. I stayed here for about a week, before I had to return home to pick up a new debit card because mine got stolen in Budapest. This week consisted mostly of sightseeing and going out. During this week Nico and I had gotten close and I told him that I would be back soon to spend some more time together.