Week 8: A vague memory.

I can’t describe how my week has been, because it felt like it just flew by. As if I just skipped a week. It was maybe the most ordinary week I’ve had in a long time. With a decent balance of activities, work and doing nothing. But looking back on it, I still wish I had been more productive.

My previous appointment with my psycholigist we reflected on situations that had happened and challenged the thoughts I got in those situations, mostly negative. She would write down this thought, and I had to say how much I believe in it (scale 0-100). For exemple: My boyfriend isn’t responding, must mean I am not good enough. She then asked me to name counter arguments. If my friend were to say this to me, what would I tell them? We got to like 6 or 7 counter arguments, that I came up with and believe in, whether it was 80 or only 20. That should make the thought less convincing right? I does, but that negative thought is always the first to appear, and usually the most convincing.

I struggle with doing things, even if I want to do them. So, as homework this week I was supposed to do two activities that I chose, because I enjoy them. This would help me find little enjoyable things to do instead of going on my phone. But, the week flew by and by the next appointment I hadn’t done either activity. So, again we reflected on this situation, and challanged the thoughts I had. This was, again, very confronting.

My mind constantly asks ‘What if?', and not knowing the answer. I think of scenarios of what could happen. But, because of previous events that have sparked negative thoughts, most scenarios are also negative. But, so believable. In most everyday cases leading to, ‘What if i can’t do it?’. Which, when written down, and asked ‘What if one of your friends said this to you?’, I did immediately answer with ‘But what if you can?’

I’ve secretly always feared the opinion of others. When I was little it would be about my appearance or my behaviour, later on it turned into my abilities, ‘They must think I am incompetent.’ ‘What if they don’t like it?’. I never wanted to admit that I care what other people say because I wanted to be strong and confident. Both things I was not, I put on a brave face and said that I didn’t care, but I did. I still do, but I know I do and I am trying to do things for myself. Find what I enjoy, ‘What if I like it?’ ‘What if I can do it?’