Week 3: Staying distracted.
May holiday! The weather is gorgeous and I start my week at my brother’s. We spent all of sunday together just eating, play games and watching a new series. The next day he had to get back to work and I had the apartment to myself, well.. With three cats. I did absolutely nothing that day but I felt at ease. Sure, I had my worries like always, but I could enjoy doing nothing without feeling useless. I laid on the floor in the sun with the cats. After dinner I got the train back home and my friend picked me up for gamenight. I came home late that night and when I woke up the next morning it felt like I had been dreaming the entire weekend.
I worked the next day and even finished early because it was so quiet, I called my best friend and went to her place to have dinner, we got some snacks and wine and enjoyed them on the bench by the river. We talked about life and I got to refrech my memory of my last appointment at the psychologist’s. After talking I did start thinking about my boyfriend more, I worry a lot about the future and I am always scared of regretting my decisions later. I have a big need for clarity and thats ofter hard to get from him, and that frustrates and worries me a lot.
The next days I had no plans and therefore I did not do anything. I wrote on my blog some, and I learned some Spanish. After writing I decided to ask my boyfriend his feelings about us and our future. Like always, it was hard to get an answer out of him. However, he did finally admit he’s struggling too. He has never been one to reach out or show vulnerability because that makes him “weak”. He still doesn’t want to talk about his struggles and definitely doesn’t want to ask for help. He is convinced he has to do it alone. I told him I disagree but respect his choice and if he changes his mind I will be supporting him already. I was ofcouse sad to hear that he is also dealing with his own stuff right now, but it eased my mind knowing we’re in the same boat somehow. Although separately, we are in it together.
I worked all weekend and enjoyed it. I felt accomplished and I was tired before and after every shift. I still stayed for a drink afterwards to talk and hangout there. I felt accomplished and proud of myself about working more annd found myself a bit happier overall that week. The magic of distractions.
