Week 5: Dull days.

This weeks appointment was lighthearted, positive. Although I hadn’t been able to ask people around me why they are grateful to have me around. By the end of the appointment, they could name numerous positive things I said about myself. Ofcourse, they had to repeat them to me because I failed to remember them. I have difficulty believing positive things said about me, I fail to save them in my mind. Rather, it is full of negative thoughts and beliefs based on past experiences.

I talked about this with my bestfriend, she ofcourse didn’t hesitate to name more positive things about me, why she enjoys my company and what she admires about me. It meant a lot to hear such things from my bestfriend. Sadly, no friend can ease my mind when it comes to relationships. My boyfriend and I decided to take one more week, and then our break will be over. I am glad to see light at the end of the tunnel, but scared to find out how it will go. Nothing but ‘What ifs’ in my mind.

I haven’t been very productive this week, when I am not working I mostly watch Netflix or YouTube. I have worked a lot and feel accomplished because of that, I am glad to earn money and don’t feel as guilty spending it.

Work drains me though, I look forward to travelling again, volunteering. I am looking into Chile and Peru, and maybe some more countries. Ofcourse, also Colombia. I am so excited to go back and especially to see my boyfriend again, but I am still very fearful of how it will go. I think those fears can only be eased by knowing. The only way to know for sure, is to go back.