The first step.
I was at my brother’s for a couple days, taking care of their cats. I had a fever, I stayed home and looked for ways to improve my marketing. It was when I was talking with a girl who was also in the field, when my brother overheard me explaining that I was unhappy studying and wanted to leave, I needed a change. We then sat down and he kept saying that what I was doing then wasn’t the right thing, wasn’t the path for me. And he was right, I am not a marketer, I don’t like making content for the sake of selling. He then dove deeper, he knew how to describe how I was feeling, because he’s familiar with it. Although I had been aware of how I was feeling for a long time already, hearing it from him opened my eyes to how much I need help.
I had sought help from a mental health counsellor before I started studying. I often felt anxious and I didn’t know how to deal with my fears. I had four appointments which I thought helped. I was happy for a moment, things were looking up. My boyfriend and I were better than ever, I was positive about finding a job and I was at peace with finishing the schoolyear. We decided that I didn’t need councelling anymore. Soon after it felt like one by one things started falling apart again, my fears within my relationship came back, I felt awful about not having a job and I became less and less interested in school.
I was now on the marketing path, I thought an online job would solve my problems. I could spend more time with my boyfriend, or travelling, and I could save for my future dreams. But what I was really doing was distracting myself. If I stayed busy enough I wouldn’t have time to face the truth, I wouldn’t feel like a failure. My brother confronted me on this, and pulled me back into reality. Affiliate marketing was never going to ease my fears, or break my habits, only distract me from them.
My brother went with me to talk with my parents. We talked about everything, that studying was making me unhappy, that I often felt anxious to the point where I could hardly breathe, and that I felt awful about not doing anything so I would just sleep. They were surprised to hear that I feel like this. They didn’t think twice about supporting my decision to drop out and find myself, though I think having my brother explain most of it helped a lot.
Admitting to my family and friends that I am not okay was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it truly felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. A few days later, I officially dropped out of college and called my mental health councellor to start appointments again.