week 4: a week to look forward to.

This week’s appointment was very confronting. We talked about my past. First, I had to write down the thoughts that have been occupying my mind, among others: ‘I often have the feeling I have to adapt to others because I am not fun or good enough.’ and ‘Is it wrong to doubt my feeling for my boyfriend sometimes?’. Thoughts I have repeated in my head a thousend times, I have whispered to myself and even wrote down before. She then wanted me to read them to her, something about saying those words aloud, things I never wanted to truly admit to both myself and others, was very confronting.

Then, I had to write down occurences in my past that have affected me, most have caused me to feel abandoned ne way or another, causing or influencing my thoughts. There are months or even years between these occurences. Different people in each one. I was the only thing these occurences have in common, so I always looked at myself. I must be the reason, it must be my fault, there must be something wrong with me. When I did confront the other, pointing out their behaviour, I was told I was crazy or unrealistic. Making me ask myself ‘Am I?’, ‘Maybe I am.’.

Until the next appointment I had to ask people close to me why they are glad to have me in their lives. I can’t convince myself of positive traits, maybe hearing it from loved ones will. I was reflecting on the appointment the whole day, dreading to ask others whats so loveable about me. I allowed myself to feel bad that day, I allowed myself to be lazy and not feel guilty. Because I had an amazing week ahead of me.

I occupied myself with work or Spanish. Relying on the fun days ahead to stay motivated. I went winetasting with friends, watched Eurovision semi-finals. Had a birthday party the next day, catching up with my best friend and her family, drinking more wine. Saturday my brother and his girlfriend came for lunch, we played games and went to a beautiful restaurant for dinner with even more wine.

Sadly the fun days are behind me and work and days of nothing are ahead. Let’s see if I remain motivated without something to look forward to. I have decided for myself that I will continue to travel after the summer. Uncertainty about my relationship is making me anxious about where to go. However, I have decided to volunteer and maybe follow some courses to learn new skills.